Two years ago today I can honestly say was the absolute worst day of my life. That says a lot considering everything I have been through the past few years. It is the day that I had to give birth to my daughter whom had died, and say goodbye to her.
I remember feeling her move for the first time while I was in CA. I was laying in bed at night feeling the fluttering. That is the first time that I thought everything would be ok. Up until then my gut told me there was something wrong. I started believing when she started to move that maybe I was wrong, yet a part of me still was unsure.
On the day I went in for my ultrasound I was very leary. That nagging feeling was back. I noticed that there was something wrong almost immediately and the doctor tried to say the baby was just small and I wasn't as far along as I thought. I told him there was no heartbeat. I remember James just kind of looked at me, I am not sure he understood what was going on. I still don't know if he fully feels the effect. The doctor took me to another room with a better U/S machine and sure enough my little girl was gone.
A couple of days later I went to the hospital for an induction and on July 30th I gave birth, said hello and goodbye. The only thing that was obviously wrong was a defect in the umbilical cord where it attaches to the baby. Testing never showed any other problems.
The pain is as strong today as it was then. I remember looking at her and every detail. She had really long fingers and big lips. She would have been beautiful. I don't think about her daily anymore, but I have not yet been able to understand the "why" or see any good that has come from it.
She would be close to 20 months now. I can picture her sitting here with us in a little dress and dark brown pig tails. I can see her running after J1 and wanting to play Barbies with S, and kissing her baby brother.
I will always feel the loss of her. I will take it with me everywhere I go and everything I do. I will always know that there is someone in our family who is missing. There is nothing that will ever feel the hole in my heart.
I just pray I can get through today without losing my mind. I pray the kids behave. I can't handle another insane day. Not today.
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