Two years ago today I can honestly say was the absolute worst day of my life. That says a lot considering everything I have been through the past few years. It is the day that I had to give birth to my daughter whom had died, and say goodbye to her.
I remember feeling her move for the first time while I was in CA. I was laying in bed at night feeling the fluttering. That is the first time that I thought everything would be ok. Up until then my gut told me there was something wrong. I started believing when she started to move that maybe I was wrong, yet a part of me still was unsure.
On the day I went in for my ultrasound I was very leary. That nagging feeling was back. I noticed that there was something wrong almost immediately and the doctor tried to say the baby was just small and I wasn't as far along as I thought. I told him there was no heartbeat. I remember James just kind of looked at me, I am not sure he understood what was going on. I still don't know if he fully feels the effect. The doctor took me to another room with a better U/S machine and sure enough my little girl was gone.
A couple of days later I went to the hospital for an induction and on July 30th I gave birth, said hello and goodbye. The only thing that was obviously wrong was a defect in the umbilical cord where it attaches to the baby. Testing never showed any other problems.
The pain is as strong today as it was then. I remember looking at her and every detail. She had really long fingers and big lips. She would have been beautiful. I don't think about her daily anymore, but I have not yet been able to understand the "why" or see any good that has come from it.
She would be close to 20 months now. I can picture her sitting here with us in a little dress and dark brown pig tails. I can see her running after J1 and wanting to play Barbies with S, and kissing her baby brother.
I will always feel the loss of her. I will take it with me everywhere I go and everything I do. I will always know that there is someone in our family who is missing. There is nothing that will ever feel the hole in my heart.
I just pray I can get through today without losing my mind. I pray the kids behave. I can't handle another insane day. Not today.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Weekend antics
Well, we FINALLY made the steak and zucchini spaghetti last night and it was really good. The spaghetti was light and as James said "refreshing" after being out in the heat and working all day.
I spent most of the day cleaning including what seemed like HOURS mopping and James was in the garage organizing. We can ALMOST park one car in the garage now. Of course, after I mop Josh threw this toy that was filled with some liquid, and it broke splattering all over me, the table, one of the chairs and probably in the three cups of milk I was carrying. PISSED ME OFF. Oh well.
Saturday Charlene and I went to Ulta with S and J2. They were doing a free makeup demonstration so we got our makeup done. We then went and had Sushi and shopped. We tried to go to Sam Moon but they wouldn't let us in with the stroller. Well I was not about to wake up J2 and carry him so they lost our money. We then went to the mall, shopped for a bit, went to Kohl's to buy wallets that matched our new purses and went to have a pedicure done. At first I thought $40 was too expensive but when the pedicure lasts over an hour it is well worth it.
We made it home before James did with the boys. That night we ended up having BBQ from a place down the road as it was too late to grill. While we were eating James told me to give J1 tylenol before bed. I guess he took the boys to his moms and J1 was asleep when he got there. His mom decided to try to carry him in and she fell going down steps. J1 smacked his head into a big plaster like flowerpot. I understand it was an accident, but it is really sad that to prove my point someone has to get hurt. I NEVER let her get J1 out of the car and carry him in. I have told both James and his mom no. If J1 is too asleep to walk on his own then I carry him. I think the reason is obvious.
I was going to take the kids to McDonald's to play yesterday and James said no because his mom wanted to do that since she dropped J1. Well she never came or called. I promised J1 on Saturday night that I would take him yesterday so after J2 wakes up from his nap this morning we ARE going to "aye aye num num" and then we will go to walmart. I need to buy some healthy food.
I weighed this morning and I am 10lb heavier than I have ever been NOT pregnant. I disgust myself. As Charlene put it I am starting a "life style change" today. I put too much sugar in my coffee so I am staying away from it and only going to drink water. I have a freezer full of Lean Cuisines from a month ago which I am going to eat and I am going to get some fresh carrots and celery to munch on with my ranch dip. No breads, pastas, sugars or desserts. I WILL stick to it this time and get healthy again.
Of course, it is thundering and lightening out. Not going anywhere till that stops.
I spent most of the day cleaning including what seemed like HOURS mopping and James was in the garage organizing. We can ALMOST park one car in the garage now. Of course, after I mop Josh threw this toy that was filled with some liquid, and it broke splattering all over me, the table, one of the chairs and probably in the three cups of milk I was carrying. PISSED ME OFF. Oh well.
Saturday Charlene and I went to Ulta with S and J2. They were doing a free makeup demonstration so we got our makeup done. We then went and had Sushi and shopped. We tried to go to Sam Moon but they wouldn't let us in with the stroller. Well I was not about to wake up J2 and carry him so they lost our money. We then went to the mall, shopped for a bit, went to Kohl's to buy wallets that matched our new purses and went to have a pedicure done. At first I thought $40 was too expensive but when the pedicure lasts over an hour it is well worth it.
We made it home before James did with the boys. That night we ended up having BBQ from a place down the road as it was too late to grill. While we were eating James told me to give J1 tylenol before bed. I guess he took the boys to his moms and J1 was asleep when he got there. His mom decided to try to carry him in and she fell going down steps. J1 smacked his head into a big plaster like flowerpot. I understand it was an accident, but it is really sad that to prove my point someone has to get hurt. I NEVER let her get J1 out of the car and carry him in. I have told both James and his mom no. If J1 is too asleep to walk on his own then I carry him. I think the reason is obvious.
I was going to take the kids to McDonald's to play yesterday and James said no because his mom wanted to do that since she dropped J1. Well she never came or called. I promised J1 on Saturday night that I would take him yesterday so after J2 wakes up from his nap this morning we ARE going to "aye aye num num" and then we will go to walmart. I need to buy some healthy food.
I weighed this morning and I am 10lb heavier than I have ever been NOT pregnant. I disgust myself. As Charlene put it I am starting a "life style change" today. I put too much sugar in my coffee so I am staying away from it and only going to drink water. I have a freezer full of Lean Cuisines from a month ago which I am going to eat and I am going to get some fresh carrots and celery to munch on with my ranch dip. No breads, pastas, sugars or desserts. I WILL stick to it this time and get healthy again.
Of course, it is thundering and lightening out. Not going anywhere till that stops.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Dinner tonight
I may have to go to the store later. I just saw this really good recipe on RachelRay.com that sounds yummy. Zucchini Fetticine. Now I know my mom is reading this gagging, but it sounds good and the kid would never know they are eating veggies! I would just use regular spaghetti, but I will need to buy zucchini.
http://www.rachaelrayshow.com/food/recipes/zucchini-fettuccine/
We have some steak in the freezer. I am thinking about thawing it out and having James grill and I will make the pasta. Should be a good dinner.
Lunch is going to be grilled cheese sandwiches on sourdough with sharp cheddar cheese. They will be so yummy. I may throw some tomatos in it for the kids and James, but mine will be strictly cheese...well maybe some bacon too.
Tomorrow Charlene and I are going to Ulta to do a makeup thing. Then out to lunch probably. I haven't decided if I am taking S or not. I may just take J2. Hard to have girl talk with S there, but she can really be helpful with J2 so we will see. If not then she will stay here with the boys. I am sure that James has some fun things planned, like yard work. LOL I know he is going to make pizza for lunch too.
Gotta go start cooking bacon now! Yummy!
http://www.rachaelrayshow.com/food/recipes/zucchini-fettuccine/
We have some steak in the freezer. I am thinking about thawing it out and having James grill and I will make the pasta. Should be a good dinner.
Lunch is going to be grilled cheese sandwiches on sourdough with sharp cheddar cheese. They will be so yummy. I may throw some tomatos in it for the kids and James, but mine will be strictly cheese...well maybe some bacon too.
Tomorrow Charlene and I are going to Ulta to do a makeup thing. Then out to lunch probably. I haven't decided if I am taking S or not. I may just take J2. Hard to have girl talk with S there, but she can really be helpful with J2 so we will see. If not then she will stay here with the boys. I am sure that James has some fun things planned, like yard work. LOL I know he is going to make pizza for lunch too.
Gotta go start cooking bacon now! Yummy!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
A quarter is a quarter
Last night we took the kids to this little wing place that has video games. Some games are $.25 some are $.50 and I came to find out (a little too late) that some are "Free Play". So JJ is playing this game for a very long time...some type of fighting game. After we eat he wants to play again. I ask him, "It is just one quarter right?" He says, sounding quite annoyed, "No, it is 25 quarters!" I just had to laugh at him. I think in first grade they start learning how to count money...I hope.
The wings were pretty good and not too $$$. We also discovered a new drink. Something called IceBlock which was made up of a Sweet Tea liquor or mixer and vodka. It was definitely better than the margaritas there which tasted like lemony water.
Tonight is chicken parmasan, veggies, pasta and some of our new "French" Sourdough bread from San Francisco. We might even have some dessert wine that was shipped to us from San Francisco afterwards with the cherry pie I made. Of course, I do not like cherry pie.
The wings were pretty good and not too $$$. We also discovered a new drink. Something called IceBlock which was made up of a Sweet Tea liquor or mixer and vodka. It was definitely better than the margaritas there which tasted like lemony water.
Tonight is chicken parmasan, veggies, pasta and some of our new "French" Sourdough bread from San Francisco. We might even have some dessert wine that was shipped to us from San Francisco afterwards with the cherry pie I made. Of course, I do not like cherry pie.
Monday, July 20, 2009
FIVE weeks left of summer vacation
That is just 35 days. And yes I am counting. I can not WAIT until August 24th and the kids go back to school. I got them registered today and it is great! There is an end in sight...unfortunately it isn't soon enough!
We had a very cool day today, high only supposed to get in the mid 90's and I doubt it has reached that yet. Tomorrow is only supposed to be in the 80's, then the rest of the week in the 90's. I basically made the kids play outside all day today. There was absolutely NO reason for them to be inside running around and screaming. If they want to run around and scream we have a huge backyard that is perfect for it. Right now they are playing with the water, the dog and the slip n slide.
Right now J1 is spraying JJ with the water hose. JJ put a plastic boogie board up over his face to protect him. It is quite funny because the water bounces off of the plastic and hits J1 in the face.
It will be very nice and relaxing when the kids all start school. I have so many grand plans including walking and running with J2 in the jogging stroller and getting skinny again. We will see how many of those plans come to fruitition.
We had a very cool day today, high only supposed to get in the mid 90's and I doubt it has reached that yet. Tomorrow is only supposed to be in the 80's, then the rest of the week in the 90's. I basically made the kids play outside all day today. There was absolutely NO reason for them to be inside running around and screaming. If they want to run around and scream we have a huge backyard that is perfect for it. Right now they are playing with the water, the dog and the slip n slide.
Right now J1 is spraying JJ with the water hose. JJ put a plastic boogie board up over his face to protect him. It is quite funny because the water bounces off of the plastic and hits J1 in the face.
It will be very nice and relaxing when the kids all start school. I have so many grand plans including walking and running with J2 in the jogging stroller and getting skinny again. We will see how many of those plans come to fruitition.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Change of plans
Well my plans for the day just drastically changed and for the most part that is a good thing. I was expecting James home tonight around 8pm. Today I had to go to Target to get things for the party tomorrow, Costco for party stuff, Kinkos/Fed Ex to make some copies and send some papers off, and get the car washed. It was going to be a long day out with the kids and I was not looking forward to managing Josh, especially at Kinkos.
Well I was sitting here working and watching The Fashion Show and J1 comes running, "Daddy home! Daddy home!" I said, "No he is not. JJ responded, "Yes he is." They can see our driveway from the playroom. So I go and open the garage and there he stands. He caught a red eye last night out of CA and made it home early.
So now he and the kids are finishing up pulling the last of the weeds and then he is making a trip to a dumpster to get rid of a bunch of cardboard and trash. It will probably make him two trips. When he gets back I will be running all the errands, except for Costco, with just J2. Later we will do Costco together since DH has to pick out some steaks he wants to grill tomorrow. I may just swing by later to drop off film that I can pick up when we go back.
I am now looking forward to running my errands later! And while I am gone James and the kids will be working on the yard. Definitely a win-win situation!
Well I was sitting here working and watching The Fashion Show and J1 comes running, "Daddy home! Daddy home!" I said, "No he is not. JJ responded, "Yes he is." They can see our driveway from the playroom. So I go and open the garage and there he stands. He caught a red eye last night out of CA and made it home early.
So now he and the kids are finishing up pulling the last of the weeds and then he is making a trip to a dumpster to get rid of a bunch of cardboard and trash. It will probably make him two trips. When he gets back I will be running all the errands, except for Costco, with just J2. Later we will do Costco together since DH has to pick out some steaks he wants to grill tomorrow. I may just swing by later to drop off film that I can pick up when we go back.
I am now looking forward to running my errands later! And while I am gone James and the kids will be working on the yard. Definitely a win-win situation!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Nosey Neighbors
I can only count on one hand and at one location that I was friends with my neighbors, and over the 2 years there were 3 of them. Before that and ever since I have never seemed to "fit in". Either there is no one around who is friendly, or it is an old lady downstairs who hates kids, or they are just plain nosy!
I was just outside pulling weeds (yes I can do yard work), and someone comes and stands by my fence, looking in. I am startled and ask who it is and what they want. An SPCA badge appears over the top of my fence. It turns out that someone complained because our dog is outside without a dog house. Oh they also said she did not have water.
First of all she has a bowl of water and two baby pools full of water. Second, no there is not a dog house. The plan was for James and the boys to build her one, we just hadn't gotten to it yet. I guess the law in TX is that if a dog is outside for more than 15 minutes they have to have 3 walls/roof shelter.
Ok, that is fine...none of that bothers me. What bothers me is that to see into our backyard you would have to be high on the second story of your house. That means it was more than likely one of the families in the two houses behind us, who DH has recently met and become friendly with, who tattle tailed.
If you have a problem, issue or question...JUST ASK US. Now I don't want to become friendly with anyone around here because I will be constantly wondering who the jerk was who decided to waste my time, the SPCA's time, and the tax payers money. Sheesh!
Unfortunately now it looks as if we will have to buy a dog house vs making one, which means the boys will miss out on that. The next couple of weeks are busy between J1's birthday party and work so I don't see when they boys will be able to make Krissy a "shelter". SPCA man said he would be back to check in a couple of weeks....yippee!
I was just outside pulling weeds (yes I can do yard work), and someone comes and stands by my fence, looking in. I am startled and ask who it is and what they want. An SPCA badge appears over the top of my fence. It turns out that someone complained because our dog is outside without a dog house. Oh they also said she did not have water.
First of all she has a bowl of water and two baby pools full of water. Second, no there is not a dog house. The plan was for James and the boys to build her one, we just hadn't gotten to it yet. I guess the law in TX is that if a dog is outside for more than 15 minutes they have to have 3 walls/roof shelter.
Ok, that is fine...none of that bothers me. What bothers me is that to see into our backyard you would have to be high on the second story of your house. That means it was more than likely one of the families in the two houses behind us, who DH has recently met and become friendly with, who tattle tailed.
If you have a problem, issue or question...JUST ASK US. Now I don't want to become friendly with anyone around here because I will be constantly wondering who the jerk was who decided to waste my time, the SPCA's time, and the tax payers money. Sheesh!
Unfortunately now it looks as if we will have to buy a dog house vs making one, which means the boys will miss out on that. The next couple of weeks are busy between J1's birthday party and work so I don't see when they boys will be able to make Krissy a "shelter". SPCA man said he would be back to check in a couple of weeks....yippee!
Friday, July 10, 2009
A melted cranberry juice milk shake
This is what JJ made himself to drink this morning. Go figure. Nasty if you ask me, but he said it was pretty good. He mixed cranberry juice and milk. Yuck.
Tonight is our last night in this hotel. Tomorrow we go down to another one in San Diego for two nights, then on Monday we fly home. Yesterday we went to Sea World which was pretty neat. I have never been there (although if you ask my mom she said I have been), so I enjoyed seeing the shows. The nighttime dolphin show was by far the best. It was another late night though and after 4 days of going Josh was pooped. Today we just hung out. I went to Costco, met my friend Summer for lunch and then we hung out at her house for a couple of hours. Got home and I had J1 in bed by 7pm. Almost his normal time. I am hoping tomorrow he will be completely rested and we will be back to our happy, cheery selves.
Tomorrow we are spending the day with their sisters, A and S, and I can not wait! The kids are very excited too. I am glad that we get to get together. I plan on going to see the seals at La Jolla.
I guess the kids father found out that S was conversing with me again and it led to some type of fight while she was visiting him. However she stood her ground and they ended up having a "heart to heart". I guess he understands now...who knows. I do know that he sent back a gift for the kids. Some type of empty scrapbook? When you haven't called your children in 2 years or seen them in 4, would you give them empty scrapbooks as a gift? I am sure it was something he just had laying around the house that he wanted to get rid of. He told her something about wanting to have a relationship with the kids, but not wanting to hear them sound "depressed" like they did last time. All I can say is, "Idiot". If you were 6 and 4, and you had not talked to your father in a year and he called to yell at your mom (which you could hear through the phone) and then talked to you, would your emotions be pure joy? My children are NOT depressed and are very happy. Last time he talked to them they were happy he called and sad that it had been so long...NOT depressed. Of course, my ex lives in his own little world. I told both A and S that I am fine with a little conversation, but I do not want the kids to get upset and I do not want any mention of the new sibling. I don't want them hurt anymore and knowing that my father abandoned me but kept having kids with more women would really hurt.
So that is the latest here! I can't believe it is Friday night already. Here are a few pics from Sea World.
Tonight is our last night in this hotel. Tomorrow we go down to another one in San Diego for two nights, then on Monday we fly home. Yesterday we went to Sea World which was pretty neat. I have never been there (although if you ask my mom she said I have been), so I enjoyed seeing the shows. The nighttime dolphin show was by far the best. It was another late night though and after 4 days of going Josh was pooped. Today we just hung out. I went to Costco, met my friend Summer for lunch and then we hung out at her house for a couple of hours. Got home and I had J1 in bed by 7pm. Almost his normal time. I am hoping tomorrow he will be completely rested and we will be back to our happy, cheery selves.
Tomorrow we are spending the day with their sisters, A and S, and I can not wait! The kids are very excited too. I am glad that we get to get together. I plan on going to see the seals at La Jolla.
I guess the kids father found out that S was conversing with me again and it led to some type of fight while she was visiting him. However she stood her ground and they ended up having a "heart to heart". I guess he understands now...who knows. I do know that he sent back a gift for the kids. Some type of empty scrapbook? When you haven't called your children in 2 years or seen them in 4, would you give them empty scrapbooks as a gift? I am sure it was something he just had laying around the house that he wanted to get rid of. He told her something about wanting to have a relationship with the kids, but not wanting to hear them sound "depressed" like they did last time. All I can say is, "Idiot". If you were 6 and 4, and you had not talked to your father in a year and he called to yell at your mom (which you could hear through the phone) and then talked to you, would your emotions be pure joy? My children are NOT depressed and are very happy. Last time he talked to them they were happy he called and sad that it had been so long...NOT depressed. Of course, my ex lives in his own little world. I told both A and S that I am fine with a little conversation, but I do not want the kids to get upset and I do not want any mention of the new sibling. I don't want them hurt anymore and knowing that my father abandoned me but kept having kids with more women would really hurt.
So that is the latest here! I can't believe it is Friday night already. Here are a few pics from Sea World.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Now I am the one going mad!
So far this has been a very fun and exciting week, but very tiring and stressful too. The kids and I flew into CA on Sunday and overall the trip went pretty well. We went to my aunt and uncles and the kids played for a few hours with all of their second cousins while I visited with family that I hadn't seen in a while. Monday, "Grandma and PaPa" took us all to LegoLand. Before we ever got started however J1 found the only knife in this hotel room kitchenette and cut JJ under the eye. I am so careful at home, didn't even think to look for a knife here. Luckily JJ is ok. LegoLand was really neat to see and experience, although I am not sure I would go again. The kids had fun. I think my mother finally now understands a little of what I go through and what I mean when it comes to the "house of madness".
Then on Tuesday my mother, the kids and I went looking for Sea Lions at Redondo Beach (which we didn't find) and over to let the kids hang out and play in the water at Venice Beach. We like going there and "people watching" but this trip was not fun. Normally we go before it is summer vacation and there aren't many people there. Way too many people. The kids did great and had a blast until we left. We of course got stuck in tons of traffic on PCH and J1 kept telling us he was "hungee" and had to "tee". John screamed because he wanted OUT of his carseat. After stopping to get me coffee, let J1 pee and feed and change J2 we got back on the road and were looking for a Round Table Pizza to have dinner at. We finally found it only about 5 miles from Venice Beach. Of course, an hour and a half had gone by. Another 45 minutes went by while we waiting for them to bring us our pizza. They best be happy it was GOOD! We finally got back to the hotel about 930 last night.
Today was going to be great! I took the kids to Victorville and planned to meet my friend Cynthia and catch up. We met at Chuck E Cheese and the kids had a blast, then we went to the outlets in Barstow. After spending a long time at one store, I was wiped. J1 was a total pill today. We ended up letting the kids eat dinner and play at BK for a bit and then I headed home. J1 fell asleep but J2 cried the whole way because once again he was DONE with his carseat. Of course, the second I took him out he gave me the cutest grin. That kid doesn't fool me.
Tomorrow is Sea World. I am REALLY looking forward to that trip. Not sure what is going on come Friday but on Saturday we will be hanging out with A and S (the kids sisters) and on Sunday I will be at my friends wedding. Then home on Monday. I honestly can't wait.
Here are some pictures from Monday till now! Enjoy!
Then on Tuesday my mother, the kids and I went looking for Sea Lions at Redondo Beach (which we didn't find) and over to let the kids hang out and play in the water at Venice Beach. We like going there and "people watching" but this trip was not fun. Normally we go before it is summer vacation and there aren't many people there. Way too many people. The kids did great and had a blast until we left. We of course got stuck in tons of traffic on PCH and J1 kept telling us he was "hungee" and had to "tee". John screamed because he wanted OUT of his carseat. After stopping to get me coffee, let J1 pee and feed and change J2 we got back on the road and were looking for a Round Table Pizza to have dinner at. We finally found it only about 5 miles from Venice Beach. Of course, an hour and a half had gone by. Another 45 minutes went by while we waiting for them to bring us our pizza. They best be happy it was GOOD! We finally got back to the hotel about 930 last night.
Today was going to be great! I took the kids to Victorville and planned to meet my friend Cynthia and catch up. We met at Chuck E Cheese and the kids had a blast, then we went to the outlets in Barstow. After spending a long time at one store, I was wiped. J1 was a total pill today. We ended up letting the kids eat dinner and play at BK for a bit and then I headed home. J1 fell asleep but J2 cried the whole way because once again he was DONE with his carseat. Of course, the second I took him out he gave me the cutest grin. That kid doesn't fool me.
Tomorrow is Sea World. I am REALLY looking forward to that trip. Not sure what is going on come Friday but on Saturday we will be hanging out with A and S (the kids sisters) and on Sunday I will be at my friends wedding. Then home on Monday. I honestly can't wait.
Here are some pictures from Monday till now! Enjoy!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Definitely a house of madness!
Written days ago...never got published! Sorry!
Ack! It has been a while since I updated. We moved in, very little damage, as always drama. Oh well. It is all good. The kids and I leave James here on Sunday for a week long trip to CA which should be interesting.
We took a mini vacation to Austin this week where we saw the bats fly out from underneath the Congress St. bridge. It was definitely something the kids will remember and they will have interesting stuff to write about when they do their "what I did during summer vacation" papers. LOL We even got to stay in the Presidential Suite of Embassy suites which was pretty cool. Plus you add the "managers receptions" and free breakfast they offer we spent very little on food. On the way home we stopped by the Texas Rangers Museum (as in Walker Texas Ranger, not the baseball team), which was really kinda cool.
On the way to Austin we checked out my fathers house in the lovely Dr Suess town of Pflugerville. It needs a lot of work. There are tons of ideas that popped into my head, but in the end it really isn't worth the money I would have to spend to fix it up, keep up the maintenance for another 10 years, just to get money out of it later. I can probably get a good bit of money out of it now so I am considering selling it as is now...hopefully the renters will want to buy. I know they don't want to move.
This morning we were woken up by J1 who had colored with permanent marker all over the leather couch in our living room and all over himself. I have gotten about half of it out with Mr. Clean Magic Eraser...slowly slowly. I don't think my son really knew the wrath of mommy until this morning and daddy is very disappointed as well.
Just been trying to catch up and get ahead of work today as tomorrow will need to be spent doing laundry and packing. Haven't figured out how to pack up the kids clothes without them knowing we are going somewhere yet.
Anyway, enjoy the pics!
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